I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
