What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You pole danced in your parka.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
