The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
