if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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