Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
