Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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