the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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