Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
