WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
