I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
