My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
