i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
