Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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