I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
