I love black thongs
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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