My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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