how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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