I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
