I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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