can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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