its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
