Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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