Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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