Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
