I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When are your genitals available?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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