I bet he comes in French.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
