I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
