i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize