So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
