and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
