I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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