im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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