so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
