So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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