my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
