I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
We need to rekindle our bromance
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
we're so committed to being not committed
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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