broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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