Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
