It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
