after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
