i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
MIDGETS
????
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
