I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
