My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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