You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
