Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
