No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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