I think I won the penis lottery.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I think a kid would responsible me up
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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