legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
