Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
