Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I checked into jail on foursquare
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize