That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
