Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
