He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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