I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
