sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
