Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
birth control should be required to get into college
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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