just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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