I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
