He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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