The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
